Of Sex, Foul Language, and IKEA Furniture
by Oniomaniacal
Summary: In which Temari has age-confidence issues, and Hidan assists. (Hidan/Temari friends-ish, slight mention of ShikaTema.) AU, and rated M for sexual themes and foul language. Probably going to be a two-shot.


AN: I know it's aaalll about Boruto and shit now, but I wanted to write about a HidaTema friendship cus they both have such interesting personalities to explore (and they both happen to be so blunt that I can cuss without worrying I'll break character).

I'll ship ShikaTema til the day I die, and I'm so happy they're canon, but Hidan holds a special place in my heart as that asshole who would possibly make an amazing (if not entertaining) friend.

Most likely not going to get any views, but if you're reading this, I hope you like it. If you do, leave a review if you want to see more oneshots. Lmaoooo.

***For the sake of Temari's insecurities, she and Hidan are 27, and Shikamaru is 24.***

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Cheap blue and yellow greeted Temari as the automatic doors slid open, and she stepped into the world of affordable furniture. Perhaps it was the fluorescent lighting, or the sight of the endless maze of household decor in front of her that made her want to immediately run away. A new apartment called for new furniture, but the tedious task of hunting for chairs and tables in a sea of the cheap and uniform was almost as unappealing as the fact that she would have to assemble the pieces herself. Before her heels had begun to pivot, patent leather shoes stopped beside her, and an arm clothed in a long black coat draped over her shoulder, preventing her escape.

"Fuck, Tem. IKEA fucking sucks." Hidan lifted his arm, his face unimpressed by the cheap display before him.

Temari rolled her eyes. It wasn't surprising that her friend turned up his nose at the budget lifestyle, but she was glad he had accompanied her regardless of his preferences in home decor. Temari's promotion to International Chunin Exam proctor was a large jump for her career, but not for her bank account. She had finally been able to move to Konoha for her job, and though she had worked hard for her promotion, and therefore the move, the initial departure from Suna had been difficult, despite her ex-Kazekage father. The Presidential status had been taken over by her younger brother, Gaara, who (along with her other brother Kankurou) she missed dearly, but she had no interest in politics, or in dealing with the two-faced nature of people in that line of occupation.

The first friend she had made, straight out of the arrivals gate at the airport, was Hidan, who was now her co-worker and close confidant. He was also her first fuck in the new country, she having slept with him two days after she first saw him holding up her name on a sign with the Chunin Education Examination agency logo on the front. Despite having been a good lay, they had both decided that their conversations and chemistry was closer to that of siblings than of lovers.

Months had passed since then, and Temari had decided that it was time she moved out of his apartment and into her own.

Hidan flashed a smile at a couple of girls passing by, who giggled before shooting a jealous glare at Temari.

"Keep it in your pants, Hidan. I came here for a couch and a coffee table, not to prevent you from contracting venereal diseases," she said, moving deeper into the store.

Her silver-haired companion winked at the girls before following her, black leather shoes squeaking against the shiny white floor.

Despite the populated front area of IKEA, the interior of the store was so large that it seemed like Temari and Hidan were the only two people there. Temari didn't mind it -people were annoying, and she would rather keep the company of those she had already vetted and deemed acceptable enough to be her friends. They walked by couch after couch in silence until she heard him sigh.

She stopped, and turned to face him.

"What? I know this isn't fun, but don't be a little bitch about it."

Hidan grinned. "I didn't say _shit_ , Tema. Why're you so wound up nowadays? I said I'd help you pick the best sofa out of this collection of crap, didn't I? Choose one, and I'll tell you if it has my approval, so we can get out of here."

The blonde pointed to a couch to her right.

"No."

She pointed to one on her left.

"You're kidding me, right?"

The one behind him.

"What are you, casting porn?"

Temari threw her hands up in exasperation. She slumped onto the sofa nearest to her, feeling strangely drained. Hidan sat down beside her, and she lay down with her head on his lap. Her friend patted her tentatively, and sighed.

"What's wrong, Tema? You've been acting all angsty and shit for the past few weeks. You can't possibly be on your period for that long," Hidan grinned. His smile faded when Temari snorted, but didn't reply. The absence of a clever quip or retort hadn't gone unnoticed by Hidan, whose similarly snarky personality usually enabled him to predict her actions.

"It's just work stuff, Hidan. Nothing you can do about it." That was partially true. Temari was rarely hung up on work-related problems - everything she attempted always ended in success. Her personal life, however, was a different story.

He raised his eyebrows, not a wrinkle forming on his perfect forehead. Temari acknowledged her own unique features, but she knew that the stern expression she always wore (it couldn't be helped - people pissed her off) aged her by a couple of years. Hidan, on the other hand, was certainly more attractive than her - he was older, too, but never seemed to age a day. He was the classic type of handsome that no woman's eyes ever got tired of seeing.

 _I wouldn't be surprised if the fucker never died._ Temari thought.

She was pulled from her thoughts, suddenly aware of the smirk Hidan had plastered all over his chiseled features.

"I know. You're stressed about that Nara boy, aren't you? The one with the pierced ears and the weird fucking hair!"

Temari didn't reply.

"You are! Fuck, Tema, you sleep with the kid a few times and now you're hung up on him? What did I tell you - getting attached to co-workers never works out well."

"I still spend time with your sorry ass, don't I?" She replied.

Temari's shot him a glare, her line of sight meeting his jawline. What would have been a chilling stare was ineffective, given the position she was in. In any case, even if Hidan had received the full wrath of her gaze, she highly doubted he would be intimidated. He was already used to her anger, hence the vases in his apartment constantly being re-pieced together with superglue.

Hidan looked pensive. "Was he that good?"

If the heat of Temari's glare were a physical force, his jaw would have had a hole burned clean through it.

The heat had also translated onto her face, warming her cheeks with a soft rosy glow.

Hidan's eyes widened.

"Fuck, he was, wasn't he? Why'd you end it, then? I saw him having dinner with that Yamanaka girl from the PR division last week. She's a catch, sure, but she seems basic. I'm surprised that the Nara kid chose tits over talent."

And with that statement alone, Temari found herself spilling out all of her problems.

"I'm three fucking years older than him, Hidan. I can't compete with these early twenty, skinny girls. Every time I've been with him I feel like someone else could be doing better - giving better head, being a better lay. Fuck, I mean in three years he'll be my age, and I'll be almost thirty!" She was breathing hard, eyes wide, but Hidan was unfazed.

"Okay, so what are you going to do about it? There's no use in worrying about the future. And if you're so afraid of boring him in bed, why not focus on trying to be a better fuck?"

Temari huffed, and stood up.

In an attempt to conceal the insecurity in her words, she started walking towards the rows and rows of shelves dedicated to decorative pillows, wishing that she could just fade into the bright patterns of the cushion covers. Her friend grinned, brushed back a strand of his immaculate silver hair, and followed.

"I can't believe we're talking about this in public. It's not that big of a deal. I'm sure I'll eventually find someone who's as good in bed as he is, better looking, and twice as entertaining," Temari said, browsing the shelves.

"Those are some pretty demanding qualities, Tema. Unfortunately, I'm still unavailable due to my high ranking position as local ladies' man," Hidan was pleased to see her crack a wry smile. "And, for the record, I'm a way better screw than that bag of bones."

Temari laughed, picking up a bright purple pillow. "I don't know about that... From what I remember, you're pretty selfish in bed. I wasn't even fucking _close_ to cumming. Plus, you do that weird thing with your tongue-"

"Oi, oi, I get it, Tema! Don't say that so loudly, eh?" Hidan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. After a moment, he turned to her with a cheeky grin. "Besides, I never say anything about how shit you are at giving head."

Before he could say anything else, a purple blur flew towards his head. Hidan barely had time to pick up a longer cushion to deflect the projectile, batting it away like a baseball.

" _Fuck_ you, Hidan. I give good head!" Temari snarled indignantly. Her cheeks were crimson, and in her fury she seemed to have forgotten her earlier wish to cease talking about private matters in public.

An older woman passing by had turned towards them with a hand over her mouth that failed to mask the look of horror on her face. Hidan sauntered over to her, offered one of his award-winning smiles, and apologized for the lewd outburst. Temari heard him whisper the phrases 'socially inept' and 'taking care of her'. The woman's face reddened, and she giggled, letting out a dreamy sigh as Hidan turned away from her and walked back to his friend. He pointed the long cushion (still in his hands as a means of defense) at her, looking excited.

"Temari, I'm going to teach you how to get your self confidence back."

The blonde snorted.

"This isn't some lame shit from last month's Cosmo, Tema. I know what guys want! Trust me: by the end of this, you'll probably be pulling 9's, or even a 10 like me, if you're lucky," he winked. "And in case you were wondering, that Nara kid's a 6 at best."

Temari looked down at her feet. She didn't need any other men - in the past few weeks she had come to the sad conclusion that she was very much in love with one Nara Shikamaru, with his nonsensical hair, lazy drawl, and tired eyes that somehow made her knees turn to jelly. She had fallen for him during their collaborative work sessions, which almost always ran from dusk til dawn. It had started with midnight ramen runs, and their joint analyses of the people they would encounter in the convenience stores so late in the night. They would talk about anything and everything, and what had surprised her the most was his knowledge and calm understanding of the world around him that far surpassed those of his age, and even her own.

However, when working alongside girls in their early twenties who all seemed to have been hired straight out of a Playboy magazine, Temari couldn't help but feel inadequate. Even Hinata Hyuga, one of the most reserved and quiet in the branch, was more well-endowed than she was. Temari was sure that the Hyuga heir's chest was the sole reason her male co-workers showed up to the office every day. And to think that Shikamaru was with Ino Yamanaka now... How was she ever going to compete?

She grit her teeth, annoyed that she cared about such a petty matter.

"Fine, Hidan. What are you thinking of doing?"

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Footnote: Thanks for reading the first part! If you liked it or want a part 2, please do review so I know whether to finish writing it or not lmao


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